(BMW) Shawn&Topanga

Just Writing My Thoughts

I don't know why I can't stop thinking about Ryan. He made me into a cliche. I barely want anything to do with the people who show me so much attention and affection and put so much effort into knowing me. The one guy that I tried with wouldn't even return a single text message. Not even after months. And to make matters worse, we only had one night where we truly connected. And I know that as a relationship, it wouldn't work. But I would rather let it fail than just go by speculation. I deleted his number from my phone yesterday and I feel relieved but then there's the part of me that tells myself that maybe if I tried harder then I could get a response. But how could I feel like that and yet, still feel empowered by deleting his number? I feel like I'm no longer holding on to something that I still wanted to hold on to but knew that I shouldn't. It's a whole mix of emotions.

Maybe it's because I know that if I didn't have him then I'll realize how careless I am about relationships. I try so hard to not be him when it comes to other people calling/texting me but I just can't make myself care at all. What is it about myself that makes me want something that's not only bad for me but doesn't even want me back? Or am I just saying that because it's easier to think that maybe he's careless than to think that he's scared? Then it makes me think that maybe I'm scared of something  too.
(BMW) Shawn&Topanga


Just letting it be known that even though the last post was me bitching about him, those feelings that I used to have are no longer there. I was just looking back at some old entries in my journal and even though I can remember feeling like that like it was yesterday, I still had to roll my eyes. I was pathetic. Comparing whatever we had to Chloe/Clark? We couldn't touch what they had with a 10-foot pole. The hateful spite you spew and I still looked up to you as a hero and the love of my life. Clark never did anything to hurt Chloe intentionally.

I'm not perfect, either. I remember I used to want you so much. I called your boyfriend one of my best friends and I still wanted you. I still waited for you to realize that you wanted me too. I was such a fucking hypocrite. Disgusting even. I allowed myself to be the kind of person I hate for you. A liar. A fake. Submissive. I submitted myself to your behavior. Telling myself that I could change you or that things would be better if you were with me. How could I? Just thinking about it almost makes me sick. I wanted you so much it caused me physical pain. I couldn't sleep for days. My heart had been ripped out and broken into pieces because of you and I still longed for the hurt because it was how I felt closest to you. No person should ever be worth the price of happiness for anyone.

I remember months ago when I felt like this, I always said that I feel like an idiot. Well, now, for the first time I can truly say that I felt like an idiot.

As for the rant that sort of turned into talk about him. I'll quote Smallville to 'splain it best.

Oliver: Yeah, that's the funny thing about scars, you know. They're always there. It doesn't mean they haven't healed.

Like I said above, I do remember feeling those feelings. Remembering how you felt never really seems to go away but eventually you'll be able to distinguish the feelings you felt and the feelings you feel. Of course I still love him. He'll always be special to me for many different reasons. I've fell in love with other people before but I never felt such intense feelings. Longing so much that it breaks you and everything you believe. You're never going to forget those feelings but maybe, just maybe, you won't spend the rest of your life feeling them. I know I don't.

So yeah, when it comes to him I can still be a little fragile. Even Chloe almost gave into lust when the 7 deadly sins were after her. The love I had doesn't linger and it didn't die. I know it's still in me but I just don't feel it anymore. I don't think I ever will. And that's just fine with me.

I just had to include a Chlark vid. I mean, it only makes sense after all the reference. On another note, 2:21 in that video kills me. The way Chloe looks at Clark all scared and vulnerable. God, I turn into pudding whenever she looks at him. I need Smallville on Netflix so I can watch my early season Chlark.
(BMW) Shawn&Topanga

Rant: Quote-Unquote The Perfect Roomie

Why would you sleep on the living room couch when you have a bed right in your room? Granted, it's an air mattress and they aren't extremely comfortable, the couch isn't all that comfy either. Cherry on the top *he says while literally eating cherries*: you have a fucking summer cold. Thank you for your consideration.

Afterthought: the rant that I intended to be about the other roommate somehow turned into a rant about HIM. Classic, FT.

Isn't he the reason I'm paying more than everyone else to live here? Because he's not a burden at all and I am. Your words, not mine. I mean, I sleep in the front room all the fucking time... Like, never. Even when I didn't have a bed, I slept on a torn-up king-sized comforter on the fucking floor because I didn't want to be a burden. For one full week, iirc. And I sure as hell never put myself in a position where I can get everyone else in the house sick.

And it's not like I'm the only one that has a problem with this. He didn't even have to buy his air mattress. You bought it for him because you were sick of him sleeping on the living room couch when he had a couch of his own to sleep on. In his room. Yet, you make it like he's such a better roommate than me. And then you volunteered to put the couch in my room because "it'll look cool". Well, it doesn't look cool and it takes up space but I didn't even argue against it ONCE. Why? Because I'm trying not to be a burden.

Yeah, anyway, I planned on cleaning up today. Not a single contribution to the mess by me, mind you. I'm not one to make like I'm such a flaw-free individual unlike others but I never make a mess in the house. Never do I leave towels hanging over the bar stools and kitchen chairs or my freshly-washed clothes on the couch for days because I'm too lazy to fold them or just throw them in my room. Not that I'm judging you about it but you're so quick to call me lazy when I'm tired from working 40 hours a week and you're reminding me that you own a small business that keeps you oh-so-fucking busy. We both know that business doesn't keep you as busy as you make yourself believe. When was the last time you even cleaned the Dr.'s house? I always clean it with your mom and never once have I asked for a single fucking dime and you thank me by raising my rent in the event that it's now shared by 4 people instead of the previous 3. Makes sense.
(BMW) Shawn&Topanga


I'm so excited about going to see The Amazing Spider-Man tomorrow. I just hope the tickets aren't going to be sold out or anything. I should probably try to get them a few hours in advance.
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(BMW) Shawn&Topanga

Pet Peeved

Why would you go to sleep on the living room couch in the middle of the day? Now, thanks to you, I can't watch anything on the DVR, I can't cook, I can't clean, etc. I'm just confined to my room because I'm trying to be a decent human being and let you sleep. Next time, go to sleep in your room. It's really not that hard.
(BMW) Shawn&Topanga


I know I say a lot of things about how I can't get over you and how much I love you but don't be mistaken: ultimately, I AM glad that you're not in love with me. The only thing worse than not being with you is actually being with you. I don't think I would be able to take the emotional baggage and your discombobulatingly fucked up, contradicting perspectives on a relationship and the third and sometimes fourth parties you bring into that relationship.
(BMW) Shawn&Topanga


You know what's worse than being a third wheel? Being a fourth wheel. I really wish this kid would leave and never come the fuck back!!! What makes it worse is that my roommates keep saying "come hang out with us!" or asking "why are you in your room all day?". How can you not feel secondhand embarrassment for me? You and your boyfriend are all over this dude and I'm just sitting there on my fucking phone playing video games. Ugh, save that for the bedroom and "hang out" if you want to hang out. Otherwise, fuck off.
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